My Story

Light at the End of the Tunnel

Past experiences, good and bad are what make us the people we are today. They don't always spark life changing epiphanies, making someone a whole new person. However, they can simply be learning from past mistakes and hardships and avoiding them in the future when we stumble upon them again. Culture and technology now, may be improving overall "living," but it also makes it easier for the few cynical people of the world to tear others down. The magnitude of people who then bare not only physical scars, but mental ones as well from the unnecessary excess criticism, is increasing exponentially. Still, people fight and eventually reach the top; but few ever want to or feel confident enough to share their struggle and how they managed to get where they are now. Although, I happen to be one of those very few people who will openly talk about their past and how they overcame it.

1) Molestation- how do you tell your parents that your fathers best friend's son was molesting you... simple, you can't. 2) Bullying- I was all alone. For years. Even people who I thought were my friends bullied me... eventually, that's when I stopped trusting in authority to help and kept my mouth shut as I turned the other cheek repeatedly, (quite literally too.) 3) Diabetes- never again would my life be the same... everything just got more complicated and I had to grow up before my time. No kid should ever have to have their childhood taken away from them before they are ready. I had to be an adult at age 10. Diabetes was the one thing that I'd never be able to get away from... it's there forever. 4) Depression/Suicide- hitting rock bottom is no joke. And not as in temporary rock bottom, but actual rock bottom. The kind of rock bottom where you think that there is no other solution but to cease in existence. 5) Bad relationships- it's like rock bottom all over again, except you have double the shackles and double

the weight to hold you down. It's like someone holding you underwater and not letting you resurface for air. The suffocation is inevitable when you're being held under. 6) Rape- the final blow before the knock out. These were the six struggles I faced while blossoming into the strong young woman I am today. Each situation was a strife that caused me to second guess almost everything I worked and stood for.

From when I was 6 years old, until I was 10 years old, my dad’s best friend had a son who was a year older than me. He had always been fond of me; however, this caused an immense issue. With his siblings and mine, he would suggest we played hide-and-go-seek. When one of our siblings was appointed as the “seeker,” all others of us would hide while the other one counted to 100. The son would grab my arm and pull me to my bedroom and tell me to close my eyes. Being the young and naïve little girl, I was, I would do as he asked. I didn’t know what I was in for… being sexually touched at such a young age can do some serious emotional damage. However, I never let that stop me from living my life and learning to say “No.”

Imagine walking in a room with sharp and dangerous objects at every turn. Now imagine it’s pitch black and someone tells you to go through it and not bump into a single one of the objects. That’s damn near impossible. That’s exactly what it’s like going through your whole life not knowing who to trust and who to avoid. Some may say that the person you should avoid is the ferocious, intimidating, person who walks the hallways. However, not every person who preys on others for pleasure is that one person as described. They can be those who are closest to you and you don’t even realize. The saying, “keep your friends close, but your enemies’ closer,” couldn’t be truer. But, sometimes these “friends” are really your enemies without you having any knowledge of it. For example, if someone were to ask me what my definition of bullying is, I would say, “I’m not sure, because every bully I’ve ever encountered, was a wolf in sheep’s clothing.” Unfortunately, telling my oppressors, “no,” never stopped the constant torture and humiliation. As the days turned into weeks, the weeks turned into months, and the months turned into years, I learned how to ignore them.

There’s something about being on the brink of death that truly opens your eyes to how much you took for granted. “If you had waited another few days to a week, your daughter would be in a coma and dying. You’re lucky you brought her here just in time.” The words sounded so abrupt, so final. Some could say that I should be thanking God for the miracle that I lived, but I say, it’s a living hell. Being poked and prodded by syringes and lancets every day, more than two dozen times a day, seems accommodable…but there’s a catch. I am stuck with it for the rest of my life. No cure. No break. No way to avoid it. Forever. I had to learn my body better than any other 4th grader ever could or would. Watching peers eat anything and everything they want, whenever they want was pure torture. Especially Valentine’s Day, and Halloween. This was the constant reminder that was embedded in the back of my mind; I was different, a freak. So, I had learned that I just had to bite the bullet and deal with the cards I’ve been dealt.

Some people say that when you’re at the bottom, there’s no other way to go but up. That’s true, but not when depression sets in. Claustrophobia, the extreme fear of small, confined places. When asked, a few people would say that when they are in small places, they feel as though the walls are “closing in on them.” That is how depression is, except instead of having an anxiety attack, you feel so down that there is almost no emotion to feel. The worst part about depression is knowing that there are people who love and care about you, but still being unable to get yourself out of the darkness you’re surrounded by. Using coping skills, I learned how to feel again.

The feeling of love can be strong, but simultaneously, treacherous. Many of us have loved ones in our lives that we could dedicate novels, and poems to. Others of us aren’t sure exactly what love is. For I, didn’t know what a healthy, true relationship was like until fairly recent. Being someone who has a big heart, and loves unconditionally, I put myself in a very toxic and unsafe situation. I couldn’t spend time with my family, my friends, or have alone time. It was like having a leash on that didn’t let me go very far or do anything I enjoyed doing on my own. Every single decision I made, only mattered upon his schedule. Never mine. It was like I was a captive slave. “Rub my feet, tell me you love me, have sex with me now, stop thinking that you’ll ever reach your goals in life- because you won’t.” Each word that came

out of his mouth was either a demand, or a hurtful comment. Every movement was either an abusive, forceful, and controlling action. Every altercation ended in me having bruises and a broken heart. And you think I’d learn after the first time, but I didn’t. Twice, I went through hell and back before I learned how to stand up for myself.

Trauma; a deeply distressing or disturbing experience. There are many things that can be traumatic in someone’s life. A car accident, a family death, a battle through cancer, an argument with your someone you love. But none can have the same effect on one person the same way. Rape. Even just saying the word leaves a poignant feeling in your body. For some, it is an “unmentionable word.” For others, it’s just a word that could be tossed around as a joke with no problem. Rape is serious; it’s crippling to your self-esteem, and sanity. It took me a while for me to eventually accept the fact that none of that was my fault. I never asked to be forcibly hand, I never asked to be stripped down emotionally and physically, I never asked to be penetrated and taken advantage of. The worst part is, I trusted him. It was so unbearable that felt soiled and tainted to the point of no return… but I’m still here. I made it. I survived.

Going through these six situations taught me more about myself and my inner strength that I never could’ve imagined I had. So, before the next time you come to tell me something, rethink what you mean before you say, “you don’t understand,” because, I do. I struggled, I fell, I got up, I stood, I fought, I learned, I’m alive. And now I can officially say, “I made it.”